The last time I checked, my piggy bank didn't contain the coin to purchase a plane ticket to the Southern Hemisphere, but I am in search of snow. While bikinis swarm the beaches and everyone in the Northern Hemisphere strives for that sexy tan, I'm strapping in. Care to bomb the park in your Hawaiian attire? Ever hiked the pipe with temps in the 80s? If you're stuck in summer but looking for that snowboarding fix, then head to Mt. Hood.

This massive volcano lies 60 miles east of Portland, Oregon which is where you'll find Timberline Lodge & Ski Area running its high-speed quads all year long. The slopes are a bit icy in the morning, and if you love your tail bone the way I do, give the sun a few hours to soften your landings. The lifts begin spinning at 7:30am but the snow doesn't slushify until about 9am, so sleep in.

Save yourself some frustration and avoid the snowboard camps. They build their own private pipes and parks which are off limits to the public, unless you're a poacher extraordinaire. Make sure you're either ahead...or waaaay behind the herd of buses shuttling the campers up to Timberline Lodge early in the a.m. If you find yourself trailing the masses, go back to your car, recline the seat and take a nap. When you awake, you'll be relieved of your hangover and blessed with shorter lift lines.

Since my most common denomination is a single dollar bill, here are a few tips for those of you who are, well, cheap like me. First off, skip the hotels and do as tree huggers do. The United States Forest Service has several campgrounds within 10 or so miles of the resort and offer you that camping experience. Complete with RVs and loud generators, it's the city gone granola.

If you're in need of gear — do not rent your equipment at the resort. Parade on into Government Camp and across from the post office, Burton has set up a demo shop. Inside you'll find boards, boots and bindings for you to beat on — at no cost. However, they do take a credit card impression for the kleptos.

Groceries and beer are scarce and expensive in Government Camp so come with a full cooler.

When you've munched all the gorp you can and you're craving that fine dining experience, head to The Ratskeller. Again, located on Govy Camp's main drag, The Rat sells pizza by the slice, the essential alcohol, and you can school your friends in a game of pool while you wait for your grub.

Don't feel like paying the $34 for ticket? Hike for turns and save your dollars. If you've got zero cash but some essentials, fill out the climber's permit (free) and hike the trail that runs right alongside the slopes. When your legs tire, drop in bounds.

If riding the resort isn't your piece of pie, follow the climbers heading for the summit and ride the terrain above the lifts, but don't do anything silly. You are out of bounds and the weather on Mt. Hood will turn and bite you like the neighbor's dog, so take heed. A hot summer day can turn into your coldest, darkest nightmare in a matter of minutes. Following the fall line in a whiteout will leave you cold and lonely, in the valley next to the resort. So, don't be shy — check with a ranger about snow conditions and get a weather report in hopes of avoiding disaster.

Still reading? You have no excuses people. Grab your stanky boots, wax your stick and get your ass to Mt. Hood.